They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
You Might Also Like
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Golf would be better with landmines.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.