They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”