They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.