Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still