They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Look, a pure bread cat!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.