They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?