They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Velcrow
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.