They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I just tested negative for patience.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day