Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER