Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

She was REALLY feeling it.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.