They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
You Might Also Like
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
No Google it does not
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
uh oh
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*