They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
You Might Also Like
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge