They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
A friend sent me this.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.