Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Herpes is trending, good job people

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.