They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Hello Twits.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.