They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
this is the news I live for
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works