Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.