They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.