They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support