They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.