They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime