I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.