They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts