Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

i baked you a cake

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off