Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.