They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
lol
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“That’s what” – She
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost