Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

You saw nothing. I am ham.

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)