“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing