They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
guys I’m going home
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents