They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first