They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.