They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.