They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Woke up against my better judgement again
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*