Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.