They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
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rip to my favourite tweet
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Anarchy
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years