Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.