They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance