They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all