Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder