They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
