Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Good advice.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

definitely did not do anything wrong

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.