Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.