They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
there has never been a better use of this meme
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”