Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches