Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”