They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
oppen heimer style lol
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Ok but actually
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….