They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees