They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.