They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?