They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I am, perchance
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Coffee for people with no kids
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
lost dog
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Proofread twice, hang posters once
