They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.