They say don’t try this at home… so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
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“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
