They say don’t try this at home… so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
We need to put an American base on the sun
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018