They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.