Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

real

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”