They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If you had more money you’d be happier.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I know
