They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Every
Single
Year
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Great Canadian literature.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.