They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time

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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second


Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!


I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.


You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.


I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.


I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.


if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie


Good morning to everyone especially this person dragging McDonalds’ coffee for a hilariously wrong reason.