Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.