@TheDairylandDon

They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time

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@shutupmikeginn

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

@NYC_Blonde

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

@WilliamAder

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

@autocorrects

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

@ElleOhHell

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.

@FunnyBison

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

@Erinfosec

Good morning to everyone especially this person dragging McDonalds’ coffee for a hilariously wrong reason.