They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
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I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied