They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31