Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”