Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit