Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me: