Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb