Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

honestly, i need both:

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”