They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
This is so wrong 😂
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Good for him.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?