Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My neck my back my allergy attack
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully