Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

I’m dying louder than usual today.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”