they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
That’s fair
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
🤣
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.