Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.