Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

🤣

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.