Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

#SCOTUS one-star review

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk