Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.