They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
You Might Also Like
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
There is no “we” in pizza
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse