They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
every. time.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.