Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister