they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Cheer up.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
i want enemies
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
