they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
The three genders.
