they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
old twitter is back baby
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Lmbo
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
